Tomorrow, and Tomorrow ,and Tomorrow.

Well. We made it through the day.

Despite the days worth of sleeplessness and fatigue. Despite the excruciating pain that was exacerbated by the extreme cold and the bad state my body was already in.

I felt things I hadn’t felt in over a decade.

I felt aches and pains I had long forgotten. Each new sensation transporting me to the site of what transpired to cause that pain. That damage.

I lived a hundred lives today.

Saw the world through each of their eyes.

Was reminded of the struggle of the time.

Some were neutral. Others. Nightmarish. Beneath my sunglasses, headphones and mask my face betrayed me a dozen times a minute.

This was not a significant day. There was nothing of note that needed to be done. It was a day like any other. With the unfortunate culmination of many negating factors. Any one of them, separately, holds the power to tear me to pieces. To take me down. Hard. Hard enough that I never get up again. Yet today. For whatever reason; I had to face them all.

Today I had to fight my own body. My mind. The environment. I had to fight to take my next step. As well as my every breath. Sucking in air like some machine. My popcorn lung popping and crackling throughout the whole affair.

Today I faced many brick walls. Walls that stand tall, solid and imposing. Walls that I did not have to tear down, but that I pushed through nonetheless. Somehow.

I am dazed. My mind beyond putty. A puddle of goop. The deep pain centre mass has been constantly becoming more pronounced as the hours have crawled forward the past day and a half. I have been tasting blood since yesterday. I feel as though I want to sleep until the end of time. A deep, dreamless sleep. Just enveloped in darkness. Calm. Soothing nothingness. Reabsorbed back into the void.

Something intense inside me tells me that this is not it. A part of me wants it so bad. That part of me has always wanted it. I have existed for the longest time with the intense burning desire to expire. I believe that there can come a point where a person has just experienced too much. Seen too much. Understood so much that carrying on would be torture. I passed that point. Early on. And I circled back to it a few times there.

I look back at it and it feels insurmountable. And yet. Here I am.

So I will probably be here tomorrow too.

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